Hope

On Times Passing, My Mind I’ve Cast

On times passing my mind I’ve cast
And brought back memories of the past,
Though indeed yet young am I,
Sometimes I sit and think of times gone by…
And, remembering, sit for a while,
Something to my face brings a smile,
Only for then my eyes to cast down,
As something unpleasant brings to my face a frown…
But, soon is passing the times when I am sad,
For my life so far I am glad,
And should I good one day be,
I’ll be contented with such a reverie.
For life, I’ve come to expect,
Every so often needs us to stop and reflect,
Be we advanced or young in age,
We look back on life as if it were a stage…
And but a play is the life we had,
As if actors say the words we’ve said,
And we are, in some strange way,
The audience, looking back at our lives here today…
Then reality strikes reflections broken…
And of my thoughts nothing is spoken,
But later, as at my desk I write
Of my thoughts, as I do tonight.

Sometimes, life plays a trick on you; sometimes, you play tricks. Time passes and you hardly notice that tomorrow will be yesterday and today will be a part of history. But you cannot complain of having 24 hours a day. Why? Because everyone is given the same share of time from the age of this world. Those who can live safe from the hazardous influences of time live long and happy, and those who can’t like me cry always and irritate others.

It’s not possible for me to write every time like a professional writer. Sometimes my mind works and I like joining words skillfully to please the readers and sometimes I feel numb and unable to say what I mean. However, today I woke up very late at 12:30pm. Sohail was the reason that I got up and copied the file he mailed me switching on my computer and checking the mail.

Is it possible to write the thoughts in your mind exactly as they come and not create any confusion in the mind of readers? Oh, yes, it’s possible.

I hardly fail to contain my feeling of inferiority complex in many ways: when it’s someone in the US speaking English or using English name to identify himself or herself; when it’s English poetry rather than Urdu; when somone is successfully earning money fast by using intelligence, skills and knowledge; when someone is a girl. Just a girl, or woman.

I wanted to go and teach Ayesha in the afternoon as she had a paper on 23 and she is not studying at all on her own. I love my niece and sometimes I hate myself for laziness and breach of trust. She so much relies on me and I fail to keep my promise of teaching her. She also has given me an assignment to prepare long ago and I am still unable to deliver.

Life is not what I dreamt even in my wildest dreams. GOOD NIGHT!

First Things First

Stephen Covey’s First Things First describes the need for setting priorities in our life as a precaution to face challenging situations well beforehand and survive crisis situations. It beautifully discusses the history of time management and how it failed to manage every aspect of life before.

I finished this book in one sitting and was amazed to see how well-researched it is. I myself learned it a hard way to manage a to-do list and set priorities in my life. Even though I don’t have practice to discipline myself yet, as I started to work on this idea recently, I wish to keep trying hard to learn how to spend 16 hours a day in some profitable activities.

My to-do list for today was:

1. Assignment (5 Major Causes of Violence in Karachi)
2. Ziauddin Medical Hospital to take an appointment with Dr Ejaz Vohra for my mother
3. Short Hand exercise
4. MJR–MENSA Journal of Research
5. Email to Mr Sohail Iqbal for research on Intelligence
6. Search researches and researchers in international unverisites related to Intelligence and forward that to Mr Sohail Iqbal for feedback
7. Mouth-wash
8. Sleep at 10:00pm sharp
9. Diary
10. Sentence-analysis practice

So far, I succeeded in finishing only 2, 3, 10 and now 9. 40% success rate. God willing, tomorrow I’ll achieve the target of finishing all 10 (I’ve decided to limit the number of tasks to 10 but not less than 10 either).

I’ve started reading about memory in MENSA International Journal which I luckily succeeded in keeping with me after I severed relations with idiot-turned-fundo Hasan Zuberi, who made himself Chairman of MENSA Pakistan and assumes he is the smartest guy in somnolent members of MENSA Pakistan. He has a big role indeed of turning MENSA into MENSA Pakistan. I hate this guy, who wants to befool the world with flowing beard, claims reimbursments from the account of MENSA Pakistan each time he travels or issues substandard MENSA magazine, or charges testing and enjoys the revenue with food and a mean look on his face. Bloody maulvi face.

So, I was telling you that I read some good researches on memory in the journal. Published by MENSA Education & Research Foundation and MENSA International, Ltd, MENSA Research Journal of Winter 2005 (Vol. 36, No.1) included research articles related to memory.

The title cover designed by MRJ Art Design Editor, Brenda Lewis, very intelligently depicted the interconnection between input, output and physical functions. The blue oval repesents an input gate, through which sensory input (sound, sight, smell and so on) travels through memory to an output gate, represented by yellow oval, and is translated into physical functions (crying, blinking, jumping and so on). The journal has an interesting article on the effects of pharmacological intervention on improving the memory to remember information and facts for a normal person.

I tried to study this journal on the way to the hospital in the bus. It was so hot. The sun beat down on my head and I was perspiring profusely. (Thomas A Edison was right. Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety- nine percent perspiration.)

The rest of the day was not unusual. GOOD NIGHT!

A Stitch in Time…

Let me ask you a question, very straightward one. Do you wear a watch on your wrist? Yes, you do. Now the second question is a little harder to answer honsestly. Do you ever hear the voice of time coming from your watch every second, not minute, or hour? No, you don’t.

My problem has always been to live in a moment which presently existed in the past or was about to arrive in future. I never lived now and here. I am, 34, doing what should have been done at 22. This is the result of not hearing the voice of time.

Every moment is specially making a call for a specific kind of task. Be sensitive to know what it says. At 2:38 my watch says: “Hurry! Finish the job quick. It’s time to bed.” What if I ignore it or never care about the voice of time? I’ll indulge into chatting, browse porn sites, read intresting stuff about my favorite subject psychology, think grand ideas (to be materiazed not now but in some wishful moment of distant future), etc. And the whole night will pass off steathily till it’s dawn and I hear the sweet voice of prayer when I slip into deep sleep and dream I’ll offer Fajr prayer regularly. When? Tomorrow, which never comes. Today, this moment, is tomorrow of yesterday and yesterday of tomorrow. Or, tomorrow of yesterday and yesterday of tomorrow is today. Beautiful if sepent with prudence. Wastefully ugly if squandered in day-dreaming or worrying about tomorrows or yesterdays.

This philosophy is so simple and effective but we always cautiously live tomorrow and yesterday today. We never realize that this moment is your life. You may breathe only 14-18 breaths per minute if adult, 16-25 if older child, 20-30 if preschool child, and 20-40 if infant. This is the criteria. If you wish to breathe more than 18 a minute in anticipation of finishing the quota for the coming moment you will fail or start feeling exhausted soon. However, in a life of 24 hours…calculate how many breaths you breathe. 24 × 60 × 16  = 23040. Twenty three thousand and forty breaths. Now imagine a mad man who all the time worries how he will take so many breaths a day. You may laugh if you want but this is the behavior we show when we try to live in tomorrow today. That’s why I wrote A Sticth in Time…because it Saves Nine. It’s a proverb which means the batsman is unable to play well if he doesn’t live in seconds, not minutes or hours. Therefore, I have today resolved to live every moment as if it is the last or first moment of my life.

At night I went with my friend to the nearby Internet cafe for writing emails on his behalf. He doesn’t know English much. He had to send an email to Mr John in America to request Proforma Invoice. He also talked to him on the phone and was assured by Mr John that the PI was to be received immediately. And we did. I then in response to that PI wrote an email to him that it didn’t include his bank details and it only had the name Bank of America which was not sufficient to open an LC. We attached with the email a sample PI to guide that idiot how to write a Proforma Invoice in proper form. We also decided to bring some changes in the email address of the company to make sure we are not bypassed by him in future deals with the buyer in Karachi. I wrote two more emails and then came back home.

To sleep. After writing this diary. GOOD NIGHT!

At My Age

A father said to his son, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” The son replied, “When Lincoln was your age, he was President.”

Electricity is playing hide-and-seek in my area, Orangi Town. A downtrodden town where muhajirs (emigrants from India and Bengladesh) came to live after East Pakistan was severed from West Pakistan, the present Pakistan. So, should I narrate my pathetic living pattern with so religiously consistent commitment or leave it aside and work for improvement in anonymous state?

I need to write on MQM and its role in violence. As an assignment for my niece. Sometimes, literally you fail to comprehend what bugs you. When you want to believe you’ve got everything to live a successful life, again you fall into the trap of self-doubt and shaky confidence in your intelligence and ability to reach for the stars the moment you come across some standards out there and face the fact that life is not fair to you.

I often complain at home that the meal served for basic sustenance doesn’t contain ingredients to nourish body and soul, vitamins and minerals, enough calories to accelerate grooming and increase weight and imrpove health. Poverty is struck so hard in our case we can’t afford high cost of physiotherapy exercises at this stage. But it’s all a matter of owning personal belongings sans care about conferring priviliges to coming generation. We have not reached the stage of generosity at this moment, according to Erikson.

When I requested my sister to save Rs400 from being spent on the futile physiotherapy exercises each time Tauseef comes home for this purpose, she turned down my recommendation and suggested to mind my own business as it was all my father’s money, not mine, being spent on his treatment. And, yes, the treatment is showing effect as my father has started walking on his feet fast and go to the length of visiting my elder brother’s home, which is at some distance from my own home where my father lives with me, my two sisters, one 37 and the other 38, unmarried, and my own mother…my father’s wife who hates my father for marrying him.

What to say now? Writing about daily experiences will not pay dividends in terms of accolade or recommendations of alternative living styles by well-meaning meandering visitors. However, for my own sake till full recovery from depression and anxiety, I must write every day in the diary of blog form, whether somebody cares to read or not.

I also complain of poor memory. I don’t remember anything. Life has always been so cruel in the past few years, sometimes it shows its benign nature and sometimes it strikes hard with some fatal calamity to render a person helpless and senseless.

Age matters. If I now start practising memory tricks for enhancing the cognitive functions which otherwise are on fast decline as a result of lacking nourishment and proper hygienic living pattern–I smoke–maybe I recover and start showing performance like a genius. Am I?

Enough for now. I should relate this account to the why of delay in post on the blog. You must be wondering if Rashid died on 14 because he didn’t post any report of his life on this day.

I didn’t. There was no electricity. GOOD NIGHT!

Keep Busy!

I slept very late last night, so woke up at noon.

What sets the standard of an ideal life–happy or contented life? Money? Love? Passion? Relationship? Security? Knowledge? Respect? What? I thought deep over this question and found the answer that the only factor that distinguishes a loser from a winner is: Time. Not necessarily, in my opinion, well-spent time, because then I need to define well-spent. Time should be spent passionately in any work that you enjoy and wish to continue. Flow. Remember this term? Those who are fashionably into Emotional Intelligence must be familiar with this. Losing sense of whereabout and other intruding wh-questions breeding sheer contemplation which bears no result in terms of action and activity, when you are overindulgent in some pleasurable work, e.g. reading a novel, watching a movie, sharing knowledge with others in writing (as I am doing right now), and, some say, even sex. This decides who wins and who loses.

But what is winning and what is losing? No need to go into philosophical debate over it. I only know that I feel good when I am busy, just busy. Teaching my niece Psychology, or reading a book, or browsing some informative, interesting website, surfing the Internet, or just chatting. It’s another matter that I also keep in mind most of the time that I have to improve my writing skill to become a good writer. Someone who can write effortlessly on any topic under the sun.

First, out of habit, developed over a period of time as a result of cognitive passivity, I doubted I needed to live by the principle I adhered to before as it did no service by halting the progress of my life and engendering inaction. I am the same incorrigible procrastinator, perfectionist who knows everyhing in the head but nothing out in the real world when it comes to action. I should…forget it…keep busy!

I remember a few feelings during the whole day that might be interesting to read about. I felt excited when contacted by Tamkeen Malik, the lady who was in NIP when I was studying there and who in my opinion is one of the most intelligent women I ever saw in my life although I seldom had chances of being impressed by the intelligence of a woman. I had also attended a workshop of Red Crescent Society with her in 2007. She wrote something on my wall on Facebook and was pleased to accept my offer of friendship. I also today unsuscribed a Yahoo Group, which sent me second time an email showcasing a hard-core sexual content. Honestly, I enjoy pornography but never dare to flaunt my indulgence.

Nothing phenomenal happenned today that might be registered in today’s account, otherwise. I met my friend, went to my niece, went out for shopping, read a few articles from Reader’s Digest, my favorite magazine, visited a few sites on the Internet, checked Facebook site again, and again. And that’s all.

I only had to be philosophical to fill this space tonight. Out of a sense of duty. I wish I could experience flow quite more often than once or twice. GOOD NIGHT!

What Time is It?

A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.

How true! Offering prayers will not avail me of preparing for the worst. Only hoping for the best.

Again time has shown its promising natue of constructively designing the life of a man. I now live by the principle: Don’t waste time. Keep monitoring any responses to immediate concerns and keep repeating in your mind, Are you wasting your time? It’s strange but as a matter of fact being one’s own disciplinarian by advising oneself repeatedly of saving time by utilizing the now-and-here moment in constructively transforming energy and intelligence into some profitable job is all it takes to achieve excellence in life–free of a haunting sense of guilt.

In the evening, I went out for shopping with a long list of items. When I got back, my dear friend Sohail came to meet me. He took me with himself and we sat in an Internet cafe for 1 hour. He had to send some important emails to suppliers of goods which he had to offer to potential customers in Pakistan and earn some handsome commission in the deal.

(It’s 5am and I so much wish to sleep now, but I have to finish today’s report of the activities to take appraisal of my performance and thus improve my life by changing the pattern of responses to challenges of life.)

Sohail and I sat in the tea house together to discuss our future. I didn’t disclose the fact to him that I had stopped working as a freelance writer for Rehan. Instead I gave a response as if the task was although very tough yet I was willing to earn money because of less possibility of surviving otherwise.

I, before that, also visited the site of ROZEE.com and applied for a few jobs. Maybe I receive a call for the interview soon to start working somewhere and earn money.

I didn’t work on the assignment of Ayesha. Again the same problem of an inability to discipline myself for some constructive work. However, I visited a few sites and found the topic “5 Major Causes of Violence in Karachi” very impressive and honestly searched out some information on the Internet which would help me write a comprehensive report of MQM and its militant activities to subvert peace and stability in the city. Knowing the causes of violence will help a great deal to plan for the future and get ready for a violent spurt of killings and vandalism.

MQM as such didn’t play any role in bringing peace and prosperity in the city. On the contrary blaming others for withholding rights of those emigrants who came to Pakistan from India and Bengladesh fuelled the flame of hatred and rage among innocent youth. As a result of that, many young people were forced to lose their life for Altaf Bhai cause, which still is understandably not clear. I have to write this assignment tommorrow.

It means a lot when you realize that people in other countries don’t depend on Asians for a long-term relationship. They avoid Pakistanis. Maybe Pakistanis have a hell lot of time to waste and live aimlessly till the end.

GOOD NIGHT!

God! I Believe You.

So, it’s useless to start again with when I got up and why. More important is a prologue about some shattering experiences in the afternoon, when after awakening I found it impossible to sit and write the paper I promised to send Mr Rehan in time. He is so decent that he always ignored my irresponsible response and assigned me a new topic again to help me earn. God knows when I will mend my ways of living to earn decently and live a grown-up life. I am 34 and still unable to hold some job or work consistently to earn money and support my family and see my parents happy with my style of living. I waste a great deal of time surfing the Internet without any purpose or specific aim in my mind. When the bill will be received of this month, no doubt my father should kick me out with the complaint that I made him subscribe to the PTCL Broadband Pakistan connection with the hope that I will earn thousands of rupees a month by writing papers at home.

I felt so bad and helpless to think straight. I felt so depressed and confused. I always believed I should live by some golden principle to bring order in my otherwise chaotic life. How can this life be lived without some principle that works best in the interest of the human? How can anybody believe in nothing? Will religion, if religion is beard, headgear, some principles of Muhammad (PBUH) to live life in this 20th century out of sync with modernity, save me painfully trudging along the road to oblivion and abysmal science (or arts)? Why? Why can’t I let go of the idea of studying psychology and turn over a new leaf? Start on something else, something new, like business administration, or computer science?

I prayed in the evening at Asr time and felt so fresh and invigorated when I begged Almighty Allah for peace and prosperity. I will continue begging him, and never leave this practice. I will continue this like some medicine. Stelazine. Prothiaden. Maybe this is the only source of salvation for me.

In the evening again, I had a good time chatting in an Opera room, hope. Ulma is a nice moderator and knows how to supervise a chit chat on the Internet. I read the brief statement of an Indian guy–oops! I forgot his name–on his blog and found him lonely and dependent. Are others also the same? I put a question in the room why all are here chatting like unreal world. Unreal means not real, or far from real. If continued for long habitually like some addiction, this may turn into some deep psychological problem. The people in the room should socialize and live with real people around.

At night, I went to Ayesha to teach her. She is my sweet niece. She has English paper tomorrow. I then came back and visited some sites which are amazing. Below I list all of them and say Good Night to you all!

‘Surveillance Society’ – John Major – Former British Prime Minister Says War On Terror Measures Are ‘Bogus’

A Free & Comprehensive Guide To The World of Psychology

An Interview with Francine Shapiro, Ph.D. on Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR) – Psychotherapy

Chowk: India Pakistan Ideas Identities

EARCOS Teachers’ Conference 2008

HIV/AIDS Rethinkers

Scribd

NLP Directory and database

Science Training Certification Training

Scientology Kills Siberia USA

Life Goes on!

Today I awoke at 12pm. After breakfast, I contacted Rehan, who gives me assignments and pays, on phone and sent him an SMS to confirm the time when I should submit the assignment at all cost. Last night when I received the mail, I felt like sleeping and so couldn’t concentrate on whether it was pm or am. I thought it was am, so wondered how I could write the paper after due research in 5-6 hours. He cleared the confusion by telling me that it was pm, not am. I relaxed and told him honestly that I needed some time to write the paper becaue I didn’t have any knowledge about the British politics. He said I could submit the assignment not later than 10am.

Right now again at 1:41am, I feel so sleepy and don’t want to work on the paper but I have to finish this job in time to get paid. I need money and I don’t have any other source of income.

In the evening, I visited Facebook and found that Nadeem Ahmed has accepted my offer of friendship. It feels good when someone accepts you as a friend. No doubt I really admire Nadeem’s professional approach towards work and personal life. He keeps relationships to serve his purpose of earning and learning!

Also, electricity was not in my area, so I slept like a log and awoke at around 7pm. I need to work on the paper soon to send it to Rehan, otherwise he’ll be very angry.

Let me tell you a bit about the topic I have to write on. It is “British Prime Minister.” Sometimes I literally wonder why I always work for others with the skill that can earn me a position to command rather than request or demand. Anyway, maybe it’s because of my lazy nature or home environment, very tense and belligerent.

Whatever, I must stop smoking as soon as possible. By the end of the coming week I will have quit smoking for good and hopefully my health will also improve and I will also have improved my English so much so that I will not have any problem in writing papers of 10 pages daily.

Today I smoked 3 cigarettes in total. Not bad for a resolution of 3 days only. Gradually, when I notice the changes in me because of the non-smoking lifestyle, I will hopefully with more firm resolution of not smoking ever again quit cigarettes for ever.

It’s getting late. It’s 2:16 and I have not yet finished writing this account of today’s happenings. An uneventful life I am living.

Finally before I finish it, I think there are a few important points to discuss:

1. I felt good when I received encouraging response from Nadeem and another department fellow Asia of NIP.
2. I should concentrate on avoiding cigarettes and not take it easy.
3. I must learn to discipline myself and not waste time in something that is not of immediate concern.

Finally, I should also discuss the phone call I received from my friend Irshad when he introduced me to one another friend who lives in his own area. He wanted to prepare for IELTS with my help. I gave him some good sugggestions. He actually wants to go to Australia where his sister and brother-in-law are residing for more than three years. I told him honestly that for immigration also he needs to achieve not less than 5.5 band in IELTS. He got my point and he will in future tell me whether he wants to get my tution in this regard or not. THE END

It’s Just a Start!

Like a whiff of sweet breeze, these words come across now when in imagination I feel again the soft and supple presence of that lady who sat at my back in the class. Mentioning her name will be like cheating on her feelings. Let me just rejoice this thought that she liked me a little.

I awoke very late today in the morning at 12:00pm. It’s routine in these days after coming back to Karachi from Islamabad. Even there I was not able to rise and shine early in the morning…with the result that I lost my degree and three precious years of my life in pursuit of some education which could possibly earn me fame and fortune in days to come.

Now at home I live a disgraceful life. At the age of 34, all I have is a degree of BSc in Psychology from Karachi University, which God knows how I managed to secure in the face of severe emotional turmoils. I don’t want to recall my experience of the very first day when I had to face the daring attempt of Imtiaz Akber to imrpess girls–all of the girls. This ultimately took away with itself all signs of sanity in me and brought me to the verge of a painful, uncontrollable jealousy and rage. I want to recall all these experiences because…once again I have to get admission at KU and study for two years to achieve a degree of MSc to further my career in Psychology.

Enough for reminiscences! Now I draw all my attention to the present, daily living. I, after getting up at 12:00pm, had my breakfast. I have planned to eat 4 times a day to gain weight and overcome physical weakness. Actually, I have made three wishes:

1. I want to quit smoking for good.
2. I want to gain weight.
3. I want to become a great writer of English.

For the 3rd wish, definitely writing in a diary daily is one of the three regular strategies to achieve the goal. For the 1st wish, I will read articles on the Internet about successful ways to quit smoking, delay lighting cigarettes 1 hour each time when I feel the urge to smoke (luckily I today didn’t smoke even a single cigarette), and I will take my own modified breathing exercise. I inhale blocking the right nostril with thumb from the left nostril till full counting of 100, then block the left nostril with the smallest finger and the finger right next to that and keep both nostils close till full counting of 100, and then I slowly exhale from the right nostril till full counting of 100 and right after that start inhaling from the right nostril again till full counting of 100 and stop breathing and then exhale from the left nostril to complete one cycle.

For the second wish, I have bought a tonic Bioglobin which includes some ingredients to increase red blood cells and make up for general debility. I also eat 4 times a day to increase food intake. I also read articles on the Internet and keep visiting related websites to keep informed of latest researches in the field of physical fitness.

I for the rest of the day just chatted with a few friends in Opera and then lastly at night before sleeping I am writing this diary. A major part of the daily chronicle is today’s account. THE END